Much wanted contact

My son met up with his birth dad yesterday, it wasn't the first time this has happened but its only the second time they've met alone.

I always knew that my son misses his birth dad, they always had a positive relationship from what I can gather in the information I have. His birth dad (or dad as we call him) was never a risk to him, more that he didn't cope well when things went wrong with his relationship with my sons birth mother.

His birth mother is a different matter, he's been clear he doesn't want contact with her and has blocked her to protect himself from her lies (his words) after she made unwanted contact last year.

I'd always promised my son that I would help him to find them when he was older so it wasn't a surprise when he searched facebook for his dad when he was 18 and it didn't take him long to find him. A phone call followed and a meet up which I was fully involved in at both of their requests.

I've never felt worried about them seeing each other, mainly because there's no risk but also I don't know whether I feel less threatened as I'm a single adopter. He's always had good male role models within our family but its not just about that, its about doing what's right for him.

My feelings around whether he wanted to see his birth mother are around the damage her actions have caused and the resulting behaviours towards me, I feel angry for him and towards her, as he does.

He and his dad have seen each other a few times since he made contact and my son finally has his dad back as he always wanted.

I hope it's a relationship he will always have.

Befuddled by friendships

Today I feel resentful and overwhelmed!

Overwhelmed by trauma and resentful of its continuing impact on our lives.

My 20 year old can only manage one friendship at a time, these are all with slightly older men who financially and emotionally exploit him. It costs him money, tobacco, cannabis and all of his time to keep these friendships that he views as important to him. They overtake his life and follow a pattern that he's unable to see being played out. He gets up in the morning and rushes out and only returns to his supported living late at night. Showering, eating and household tasks are forgotten as he's so desperate to see them.

The last friendship is just ending as they all do, in trauma being replayed and me picking up the pieces.

After being ignored I'm again expected to be the main entertainment til he drops me again for the next friend. I'm expected to drop everything to meet his every need and stop him becoming bored. The emotional and verbal abuse if I don't (when I don't) is unbearable and triggering.

I can't wait to get back to school (work)!!

Befuddled by Mothers Day

I don't really like Mothers Day!

I understand why.

I get that

He can't manage it
That it reminds him of his birth mum
That after 13 years he still doesn't see me as his mum unless its to his benefit
That he can't trust me still as his world in those first 5 years was scary and unsafe
That he will feel badly of himself tomorrow
That if he does acknowledge it the reason will be he needs something from me. I am still only here to meet his needs, no other reason

But it still hurts

I am not her, I have consistently put his needs before mine for the last 13 years
I have not neglected and abused him
I accept who he is and why he is like he is

I am still here and always will be

Meanwhile our family struggles on while she will no doubt have happy family pics on social media of her new family ~ I'm glad he's finally blocked her so he doesn't have to see them.

Motherhood has not turned out as I expected or hoped