I suddenly realised last night while enjoying the company (and a nice tea) of @meandminimees that I haven't written anything for a while. That isn't because life has been great I think it's more because life is the same old, same old and quite challenging at times even though Boy Wonder is now 19 (do i need to change the name of my blog I wonder?)
The much of a muchness is he's back in another educational project as he still wants a job with little understanding of the requirements of that so needs work based skills to be learnt to enable him to hold find and hold down even a very part time job.
His relationship with me can still be very challenging and his friendships are still very exploitatitive and one sided.
But then yesterday at yoga I bumped into a social worker I haven't seen for 2 years who knows us well and I focused on telling her the positives as she reminded me he is now an adult and so living away from home isn't now unusual and I should not feel guilty that he is!
So here are the positives for a change
His social worker has realised that I know what I am on about and has backed off to remain working behind the scenes and leave the support staff who know him well to support day to day with me.
We still go for breakfast once a week and spend other time together now with no aggression or threats of violence (this is huge!)
He is still (sporadically) attending some sort of activities to maintain some structure to his life and I keep hoping this will improve.
I have worked out when to step in and equally when to step back for my own sanity and the continuation of our positive relationship.
So not much happening but loads happening at the same time to give me hope that out lives are settling and most importantly I AM STILL MUM !!
Sunday, 11 June 2017
Saturday, 25 March 2017
Testing boundaries and planning to contain
Teenage years are a funny time. In theory they're a time where teenagers are learning the skills that will take them through to adulthood so they are naturally becoming more independant and moving away from reliance on parents and family. This is great if they a) haven't suffered trauma and the resulting damage to their neural pathways and b) can learn from their mistakes. Herein lies the problem with boy wonder and his peers with similar backgrounds.
At the time when most teens are moving away from their families and are becoming more influenced by their peers I've found that teens who've suffered trauma need more support, structure and boundaries that they don't necesarily want. They know it all, they think they can have it all and think their parents are out to ruin their lives.
So we get the staying out past curfew, fudging where they are and disappearing acts with the added melt downs and abuse when they finally reappear.
What helped here was clear plans that he knew in advance and as reminded of before he went out. He had a time to be in that was the same every night with no variation. If he wasn't in and hadn't made contact to say he would be late he was aware he would be reported missing to the police as a vulnerable person. This was explained as me being his mum who loved him and who had responsibility for him. I'd tell the police who he was with and they would take it from there. Tough shit if they knocked his friends up or annoyed them - they soon started to make sure he arrived home on time.
Hint - the police have also been great here at kicking ass with the social workers when needed 😉
There was no discussion on it and I was clear and have had to follow through twice.
I'm not saying it would work for everyone but it certainly did here. Now he's in supported living and over 18 it's still the same procedure as he's a vulnerable adult and so they have a risk assessment. Unfortunately they've had to use it more than I ever did because now he's over 18 and allegedly an adult he thinks he can do what he wants.
Herein lies the second issue. As an alledged adult he can to an extent do what he wants but social care have a duty of care too. And as soon as they realise that he still needs structure and boundaries I'm sure me and them will sing from the same hymn sheet. Wish me luck?
At the time when most teens are moving away from their families and are becoming more influenced by their peers I've found that teens who've suffered trauma need more support, structure and boundaries that they don't necesarily want. They know it all, they think they can have it all and think their parents are out to ruin their lives.
So we get the staying out past curfew, fudging where they are and disappearing acts with the added melt downs and abuse when they finally reappear.
What helped here was clear plans that he knew in advance and as reminded of before he went out. He had a time to be in that was the same every night with no variation. If he wasn't in and hadn't made contact to say he would be late he was aware he would be reported missing to the police as a vulnerable person. This was explained as me being his mum who loved him and who had responsibility for him. I'd tell the police who he was with and they would take it from there. Tough shit if they knocked his friends up or annoyed them - they soon started to make sure he arrived home on time.
Hint - the police have also been great here at kicking ass with the social workers when needed 😉
There was no discussion on it and I was clear and have had to follow through twice.
I'm not saying it would work for everyone but it certainly did here. Now he's in supported living and over 18 it's still the same procedure as he's a vulnerable adult and so they have a risk assessment. Unfortunately they've had to use it more than I ever did because now he's over 18 and allegedly an adult he thinks he can do what he wants.
Herein lies the second issue. As an alledged adult he can to an extent do what he wants but social care have a duty of care too. And as soon as they realise that he still needs structure and boundaries I'm sure me and them will sing from the same hymn sheet. Wish me luck?
Sunday, 19 March 2017
2 steps forward and 1 step back.
And it's going to be that way for some years to come. All I can do is keep picking up the pieces and allow him to make some of his own mistakes and (hopefully) learn from some of them.
He's learning
That if he spends all of his money then he's got no money until his next benefit payday. As I'm his financial appointee I make sure he gets half his money every week instead of a lump sum every fortnight. He's never been one really for expecting lots of 'stuff' i.e. designer trainers but he's never gone without either. Now hes got little choice as he is financially independent and my contribution is breakfast on a Sunday morning.
He's still learning how not to be exploited by his 'friends' as he has frequently and with different groups over the last few months. This has been a tricky one too. He is so desperate to have friends and be included that he will do anything to have friends. Give them money, no problem. Give them cigarettes, that's fine. Sell his belongings for more money, ok! He's often left with no money because of this and I find this really difficult but I've learnt not to get involved and not to provide more, he needs to work these things out for himself.
He's also learning that if he's abusive I'll withdraw until he can respond to me more appropriately and when he's ok with me that's when we can spend time together and I can support him more. This is a tricky one for me and it doesn't sit comfortably, I'm used to being there for him whatever sh#t he throws at me but actually what does that teach him? That it's ok to use and verbally abuse me and that was one of the things I really worried about having witnessed DV in his birth family. I knew it would be, and has been, an issue as he got older with a single mum.
What about me? I'm learning that I can't fix everything for him and I'm learning that actually I'm important too. That the world won't end if I withdraw a bit and I have time then to build my own strength back up.
So we're getting there slowly and surely. It's not easy and we've got a long way to go. But we're hanging on in there, I'm still mum and he's still my boy wonder 💓
He's learning
That if he spends all of his money then he's got no money until his next benefit payday. As I'm his financial appointee I make sure he gets half his money every week instead of a lump sum every fortnight. He's never been one really for expecting lots of 'stuff' i.e. designer trainers but he's never gone without either. Now hes got little choice as he is financially independent and my contribution is breakfast on a Sunday morning.
He's still learning how not to be exploited by his 'friends' as he has frequently and with different groups over the last few months. This has been a tricky one too. He is so desperate to have friends and be included that he will do anything to have friends. Give them money, no problem. Give them cigarettes, that's fine. Sell his belongings for more money, ok! He's often left with no money because of this and I find this really difficult but I've learnt not to get involved and not to provide more, he needs to work these things out for himself.
He's also learning that if he's abusive I'll withdraw until he can respond to me more appropriately and when he's ok with me that's when we can spend time together and I can support him more. This is a tricky one for me and it doesn't sit comfortably, I'm used to being there for him whatever sh#t he throws at me but actually what does that teach him? That it's ok to use and verbally abuse me and that was one of the things I really worried about having witnessed DV in his birth family. I knew it would be, and has been, an issue as he got older with a single mum.
What about me? I'm learning that I can't fix everything for him and I'm learning that actually I'm important too. That the world won't end if I withdraw a bit and I have time then to build my own strength back up.
So we're getting there slowly and surely. It's not easy and we've got a long way to go. But we're hanging on in there, I'm still mum and he's still my boy wonder 💓
Thursday, 2 March 2017
How school can get it right!!
Last year I wrote a guest blog for Al Coates as he asked for what works in school. As a teacher I've spent lots of my time supporting adopted and fostered children in school so naturally it was something I wanted to be involved in.
I see lots of adopters struggling with schools all over Twitter and Facebook so I'm hoping this can give hope that some of us try hard to support children. Unfortunately college has somewhat but the dust again here as boy wonder struggled with his peers and the lack of support as he cannot 'suck up' his trauma as his tutor would like him too.
Tuesday, 17 May 2016 Guest Blog - Supporting adopted children in school: What works for us By @sgsuzanneh
I’ve been teaching for 10 years and through that time I’ve supported lots of children who’ve suffered trauma who have either still been with their birth family, in care or adopted. I currently co-ordinate a life skills course for Sixth formers with SEND (Special Educational Need and Disability), all of who have additional needs and some of who are adopted or CLA. I’m also an adoptive parent of a now 18 year old. He went through the school that I teach in and held it together mostly to come out the other side with a good selection of GCSEs at level 1. The big thing that works for all children is structure, routine, consistency and care. For children who’ve suffered trauma this is more important than ever to keep them feeling as safe as you possibly can in a school environment. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need shows that safety and meeting physical needs comes before the ability to learn. Hypervigilance is exhausting and leaves little brain activity for anything else. Structure and routine are provided to young people so they know what is happening next. Surprises, even nice ones, are the worst thing ever for many of these children. It feels unsafe because they don’t know what will happen next, this is scary. How do they know if it will be something nice or something scary based on their previous experiences? Previous experiences are the only thing they have to go off when it comes to new experiences and what to expect. Consistency and care are important to show young people that they are important. Dan Hughes talks about in a room of 50 people, the child whose suffered trauma will pick out the one face not smiling. They seem predisposed to only recognise negative experiences because of their early life experience, this knowledge can keep you safer than knowing who’s nice. You look out for danger! We have the same adults all the time (TA and teachers) so that young people know the expectations and don’t have to worry about different expectations for different staff, it’s consistent within 7 adults as much as it can be. Social time supported by the same two staff every day. We pick up on issues quickly as we’re ‘clued in’ to young people’s behaviour and emotional well-being. No cover staff if teacher absent. The teacher will set the work and TAs supervise it being carried out. Routine of timetable which is gone through every morning in registration so young people know what is happening for the day Pre-warn of change (ie new people coming in, especially visitors) I am key adult in the class room for the young people who are most vulnerable. I will work with them if we have visitors come in to work with the group. TA’s have naturally picked up PLACE, tag teaming strategies Families are important to consult and empower and I speak to families regularly with positives as well as concerns. This is done by text, email and through coffee mornings every six weeks. This means families keep us informed if things are tricky at home and we try to support in school but not take over. We also keep an extra eye on students at this time. We’ve found that with putting in structure, routine, consistency and care most of the behaviour issues have been avoided but any that continue are dealt with using natural consequences. These include finishing work at lunchtime in a safe environment of the classroom, ‘time in’ with a safe adult for issues with other students so keeping them close rather than pushing them away and me being the only one to deal with them so they know what to expect and I can manage their anxiety through my knowledge of them and how they will react rather than a member of SLT (School Leadership Team) who don’t know them and who they don’t know. In a worst case scenario with exclusions I go out to visit at home to do the reintegration meeting the night before. This means that young people don’t have to come back into a ‘hostile’ environment to be told the expectations again. They know they will get a positive reaction from us all when they return ‘hi glad you’re back, this is what we’re doing today’ kind of thing. It doesn’t work for all but on the whole I’m proud of what we do and the difference that can make to young people’s lives.
Can someone please do similar for my boy and his peers?
Tuesday, 17 May 2016 Guest Blog - Supporting adopted children in school: What works for us By @sgsuzanneh
I’ve been teaching for 10 years and through that time I’ve supported lots of children who’ve suffered trauma who have either still been with their birth family, in care or adopted. I currently co-ordinate a life skills course for Sixth formers with SEND (Special Educational Need and Disability), all of who have additional needs and some of who are adopted or CLA. I’m also an adoptive parent of a now 18 year old. He went through the school that I teach in and held it together mostly to come out the other side with a good selection of GCSEs at level 1. The big thing that works for all children is structure, routine, consistency and care. For children who’ve suffered trauma this is more important than ever to keep them feeling as safe as you possibly can in a school environment. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need shows that safety and meeting physical needs comes before the ability to learn. Hypervigilance is exhausting and leaves little brain activity for anything else. Structure and routine are provided to young people so they know what is happening next. Surprises, even nice ones, are the worst thing ever for many of these children. It feels unsafe because they don’t know what will happen next, this is scary. How do they know if it will be something nice or something scary based on their previous experiences? Previous experiences are the only thing they have to go off when it comes to new experiences and what to expect. Consistency and care are important to show young people that they are important. Dan Hughes talks about in a room of 50 people, the child whose suffered trauma will pick out the one face not smiling. They seem predisposed to only recognise negative experiences because of their early life experience, this knowledge can keep you safer than knowing who’s nice. You look out for danger! We have the same adults all the time (TA and teachers) so that young people know the expectations and don’t have to worry about different expectations for different staff, it’s consistent within 7 adults as much as it can be. Social time supported by the same two staff every day. We pick up on issues quickly as we’re ‘clued in’ to young people’s behaviour and emotional well-being. No cover staff if teacher absent. The teacher will set the work and TAs supervise it being carried out. Routine of timetable which is gone through every morning in registration so young people know what is happening for the day Pre-warn of change (ie new people coming in, especially visitors) I am key adult in the class room for the young people who are most vulnerable. I will work with them if we have visitors come in to work with the group. TA’s have naturally picked up PLACE, tag teaming strategies Families are important to consult and empower and I speak to families regularly with positives as well as concerns. This is done by text, email and through coffee mornings every six weeks. This means families keep us informed if things are tricky at home and we try to support in school but not take over. We also keep an extra eye on students at this time. We’ve found that with putting in structure, routine, consistency and care most of the behaviour issues have been avoided but any that continue are dealt with using natural consequences. These include finishing work at lunchtime in a safe environment of the classroom, ‘time in’ with a safe adult for issues with other students so keeping them close rather than pushing them away and me being the only one to deal with them so they know what to expect and I can manage their anxiety through my knowledge of them and how they will react rather than a member of SLT (School Leadership Team) who don’t know them and who they don’t know. In a worst case scenario with exclusions I go out to visit at home to do the reintegration meeting the night before. This means that young people don’t have to come back into a ‘hostile’ environment to be told the expectations again. They know they will get a positive reaction from us all when they return ‘hi glad you’re back, this is what we’re doing today’ kind of thing. It doesn’t work for all but on the whole I’m proud of what we do and the difference that can make to young people’s lives.
Can someone please do similar for my boy and his peers?
Friday, 17 February 2017
Still mum
So after all the worries about unwanted (and it was) contact and being NEET but enrolling at college things are looking up. It's not easy and he still needs an awful lot of scaffolding and support but half term is giving me the chance to do that.
It's tricky getting that balance and hard to be pulled both ways and worry I'm not doing anything right but I've come to realise I need to parent him, 18 or not!
He is letting me!!! He's allowing me to support, he's coming for help (and food) and is slowly building more resilience.
Let's hope it continues. We both need that x
It's tricky getting that balance and hard to be pulled both ways and worry I'm not doing anything right but I've come to realise I need to parent him, 18 or not!
He is letting me!!! He's allowing me to support, he's coming for help (and food) and is slowly building more resilience.
Let's hope it continues. We both need that x
Saturday, 4 February 2017
Unwanted (?) Contact
So the inevitable has happened. It started with a warning phone call on Thursday to say his birth mum was looking for him on facebook. It's ok thought I, she doesn't know our last name or where we live. Then the shock! A private message from a friend with a screenshot from a buy and sell site in our town. Then another warning from another, there were 4 and I thank those people for looking out for us and understanding the issues. He was tagged by well meaning people who dont understand about the realities of modern adoption and that he was not 'taken' for no reason.
So now we're exposed and so are his younger sibs. Their mum is terrified and devastated in equal measure. She has had a private message from the birth mum and then so have I. Full of excuses and pity for herself, little understanding of how her actions have impacted on mine and me.
She has contacted boy wonder. I'm not sure if he has responded yet as that's another issue of parenting from a distance in that he is not here and I won't see him til breakfast today. I have spoken to him about it but he's quiet and tells me to stop fussing.
He has always been clear that he hates her and doesn't want contact but now she's here how will he respond? I am terrified as now he's in such a better place than even 2 weeks ago. Things are going well and he cant afford for that to change again. I am scared for our relationship that is so good at the minute and that's taken a huge amount of resilience and work.
How will this turn out? I don't know but whatever he decides I will support his decision. He knows that and he knows I am mum whatever happens. I hope x
So now we're exposed and so are his younger sibs. Their mum is terrified and devastated in equal measure. She has had a private message from the birth mum and then so have I. Full of excuses and pity for herself, little understanding of how her actions have impacted on mine and me.
She has contacted boy wonder. I'm not sure if he has responded yet as that's another issue of parenting from a distance in that he is not here and I won't see him til breakfast today. I have spoken to him about it but he's quiet and tells me to stop fussing.
He has always been clear that he hates her and doesn't want contact but now she's here how will he respond? I am terrified as now he's in such a better place than even 2 weeks ago. Things are going well and he cant afford for that to change again. I am scared for our relationship that is so good at the minute and that's taken a huge amount of resilience and work.
How will this turn out? I don't know but whatever he decides I will support his decision. He knows that and he knows I am mum whatever happens. I hope x
Friday, 27 January 2017
NEET but not in a good way!
So the boy wonder has been NEET (not in education, employment or training) since June now. He's getting into bad habits!!!
The Government says this is not ok and the law now requires all young people to remain in education or training until their 18th birthday and so Local Authorities have a broad duty to secure provision for these young people (this can go up to the age of 25 for young people with an education, health and care plan) to encourage, enable and assist them.
Boy wonder was doing ok, he nearly finished his previous course and was all set to start a supported internship (apprenticeship type course with extra support chucked in due to his LD) but then over the summer life somewhat imploded and so he refused to enrol.
So what to do?
●I begged the local authority to give him some time to settle his life before they ceased his EHCP.
●I got back in touch with our careers services specialist LD adviser. Check if your careers service has one if you need them.
●Careers found a more personal development type course with the Princes Trust and we checked it out together.
●I just kept up with the 'when you're ready you can do.....' and quietly supported without nagging. That's so hard to do!!
●I ignored the adult social worker who said 'he doesn't want to do it' because I know my son best. I know he needs the information presenting to him so he can understand it and I know how anxious he gets so his default position when you tell him something is 'no' until you explain why its good for him.
Fingers crossed he starts on Monday :-)
UPDATE he's just completed his first week and is really enjoying it!
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/participation-of-young-people-education-employment-and-training
The Government says this is not ok and the law now requires all young people to remain in education or training until their 18th birthday and so Local Authorities have a broad duty to secure provision for these young people (this can go up to the age of 25 for young people with an education, health and care plan) to encourage, enable and assist them.
Boy wonder was doing ok, he nearly finished his previous course and was all set to start a supported internship (apprenticeship type course with extra support chucked in due to his LD) but then over the summer life somewhat imploded and so he refused to enrol.
So what to do?
●I begged the local authority to give him some time to settle his life before they ceased his EHCP.
●I got back in touch with our careers services specialist LD adviser. Check if your careers service has one if you need them.
●Careers found a more personal development type course with the Princes Trust and we checked it out together.
●I just kept up with the 'when you're ready you can do.....' and quietly supported without nagging. That's so hard to do!!
●I ignored the adult social worker who said 'he doesn't want to do it' because I know my son best. I know he needs the information presenting to him so he can understand it and I know how anxious he gets so his default position when you tell him something is 'no' until you explain why its good for him.
Fingers crossed he starts on Monday :-)
UPDATE he's just completed his first week and is really enjoying it!
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/participation-of-young-people-education-employment-and-training
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